M&M

M&M

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime. When you're getting red lip prints on everything and hitting all the red lights, you may think you're headed down one street but then you take a turn, change the channel to a different station. And so what if your battery is running low? And so what if he doesn't recognize you? And so what if you think she's going the wrong way? Tomorrow you may not know what song you'll be singing, but it'll be a different day with a new light and you'll know what you're doing till your plans run out and you'll be doing something you didn't plan. He may not text you but I promise it won't matter because you didn't stay standing, you started flying and he missed the glow on that face of yours and you know what? He'll miss it cause when you're 30 and he expects you to be there, you'll be everywhere but. And it will be amazing.

J.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.1

Ink

Because when you write on your skin, it's in a different font.
But why does the skin get to drink the poison?
And the person you'd like so desperately to carve poisonous words into feels, nothing.
Sees, nothing.
Understands, nothing.
Says everything...
Everything that's poisonous.

J.

Discovered Decision

As the purple swirled with the pink, the green with the white and the water swishing it all away, she made her discovery. Maybe less of a discovery than her final decision. "And you know how I get when I make my decision." She was the same way.
She decided you really could depend on absolutely no one. Even when they know what you're leaning on them for is crucial; they'll let you down. No matter how much you need them. Her stomach churning,  head burning, and heart yearning, she wanted to depend on him. He'd prove it, right? Wrong. Always wrong.
There are so many things she wants to do, so much stuff to get done, "I never have the time..." So the things sit staring at her saying, 'look, I'm still here. Where are you?' While she goes and wastes her time on something that will bring her down.
So let the hot water be the only thing to explore your body, let the pillow be the only thing you lean on, and for God's your sake, let laughter be the only thing that keeps you up at night.


J.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Four Years and One Day Apart

I sat and walked and paced and just listened to his intoxicated voice ring in my ears all while my sea blue eyes feel with tears. as he attempted this thing thought so long ago. And after 70 pills mixed with alcohol he managed to converse the way I used to love conversing with him for a good few hours. it seemed like things would be okay, until I heard he's stomach hurl out near the phone. And she asked me not to tell anyone and he spoke of 'if tomorrow' like he wouldn't even make it a couple more hours. And I'm writing this as he thanks me for listening to him ramble, but honestly my mind is racing and I'm only getting every other word and adding an 'mmhmm' every few sentences just glad that his voice is still blowing and he thinks I'm okay with all this but I'm just praying that I can still hear his voice days from now...

J.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Dorothy Day

So I sat there thinking familiar thoughts that hadn't ever come together to hit me so hard. I love the way you gently run your long nails down and across my back, the way you so lightly brush my hair to the side and comment on the texture or color which takes you back through memories and relations. I love the way you call me pretty and your girl. And that sweet, southern way you call me darlin' which I've heard so much but never tire of. I love the way you sign your name, though you don't really know how those things all work and the way you sign your name leads me to believe you're still living in a whole other world of more oblivion than I realized. This is fine though and I look in your eyes and I know, you know. You know how I am and the kind of things I like. You know my heart and brilliantly, sometimes my mind. Even though you don't REALLY know. And I love everything about you and just how you are. Even though I don't REALLY know. You've given me more than I could've ever imagined wishing for. But I still want more. I want you. Please, don't go anywhere...

J.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Growing up

"She'll be okay. She'll be okay. She'll be okay."
He kept repeating himself and I hoped, so desperately, that the repitition was to convince me and not himself. He's supposed to know everything. He's supposed to say, "You know darlin', I don't actually know.." when he's unsure. Not repeat himself. I wonder if any of the repetition was for me. That one knows I'm always okay, but he asks anyway. The needless weren't sharp but they felt as though they could pierce my heart. The smell wasn't strong but I could see it take hold in his blood stream. And his eyes were not hard, but when he looked at me, leaned forward and said, "I will KILL you," any sane person would have gone rigid, too stiff to flee. The silence lay in front of me but that wasn't the depressing part, no. The music was sentimental but that didn't gain a chokehold on me, no. It was his presence, his voice, his message that made my brick wall necessary and (despite the wall) the heart behind it crack once more...

J.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

11-18-10

I turned and you spoke in my direction.
But when I turned back, you were already walking away.
You were there but not really to me.
And yet, when you left, I felt it; the absence of your presence.
Before I worked up the (realistic) will to tell you not to come back, you did.
And despite the hurt inside of me wanting to tell you to get out, the practicality of it was I couldn't do that.
The repercussions of what I would hope to be a brief conversation would actually resonate in my mind and heart for more than I can already bear...

J.

Dim Over Time

The numbers didn't come to me and I knew that they wouldn't no matter how long I sat there. The days seem to waste on and somehow there's still so much I cain't wait for but it always seems two-sided. She wants me looking up and he did call me his sunshine but all I see here is rain and boy, does it sometimes make for a beautifully reflecting sunset. Then the black out falls across my eyes and all I can manage to see is the lightning striking. But she couldn't see at all, no. She stuck her hand in it and ran, then swore just to find out she lied to him. And he paid the price.

J.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

Say You, Say Me

You'll see,
one day I’ll be
just another passerby
until the day I get to fly. 
I’m not sorry for the person I am
I wouldn’t call myself a sham.
But I promise you,
I’ll do what I do.  
And when you hurt, don’t pass blame
It’s you that I’ll put to shame. 


J.

A Long Time Ago

I don't miss you, I pine for you
I'm not depressed, I'm languished
Just see you two
And I'm in anguish.
I don't know why I do this to myself
I just can't leave it alone
As a box on the shelf
that makes me groan
because everything seems shitty
I love the comfort, you try
But I really don't need any more pity
I'll just go and cry
And he said sorry, bad day
But I just couldn't explain
That every day, I'd simply say,
Is a bad day in my pain
So I sat there and cried
With the thoughts that were mine
And wished I had died
So I didn't waste your time.

J.

Mental Health I

When will this pen become the magic paintbrush for beautiful landscapes of thoughts? When will I 'bleed gold' and touch people with the manipulation of the English language? When will they listen to me, when I don't sound like you? When does recycling begin to save the world, when nothing gets to be the same again? When do my questions get answered? The questions that were the whole reason for this, now. These questions, along with the pain that I haven't yet forgotten, and new pain piling on top of the open wounds of the old, wondering what will scar and what will fade. Wondering so many things so much that I feel my eyeballs yearning to turn into my head and look around for the 'off' switch. I used to say I would much rather be deaf than blind but with such painful sights of such happiness I'd almost rather be blind.. I wonder (yes, here we go again) what would burn through my heart and soul with the loss of sight. Even temporary loss sometimes can be a damper. Like about two minutes ago, and the ironic thing being I'm writing this in mental health. This could be completely appropriate physical mental health - good and bad. Loss of sight in a 'relaxation technique' will be more than welcome. However, the marathon of thoughts waiting at the starting line for the gunshot of me letting my guard down is completely UNwelcome and should have a restraining order placed on the entire population of said marathon.
And she said as we get older, we start stepping back and taking a good look at ourselves; and maybe that's my problem. People my age shouldn't see themselves. I need to stop trying to figure myself out and then secretly wanting so badly for someone else to when I can't but being resistant to letting them in.

Raging

You always try to one up me

But one day you'll fall on your face.

Then you, and the rest of the world can see

That you're nothing special, merely a disgrace. 

It's always the right timing,

When you throw around your "bitterness"

For you to drop your rhyming 

Making me oh so much more less.

You really don't know.

You're actually kind of stupid.

You should stop trying to put on a show.

You've even worn out cupid.

You're not smart or clever, 

You can't come back with snide remarks.

You use people as a lever,

And sometimes, I'd like for you to be fed to the sharks.

Just shut your ugly mouth,

No one wants to hear what's gushing out.

Just fly off the Earth way far south

So when you do, we won't hear you shout.

You act so sweet and loving,

While spewing your real side into my life.

The things that no one likes, you're shoving.

I feel like driving you into a knife.

Call me psycho and malicious,

Sometimes I just can't help myself,

You drive me to be vicious.

But I'll put my feelings on a shelf. 

J.

Ay

I'm asked if I'm okay,

But what am I supposed to say? 

That every single day,

I feel you're gone, away?

As the year approaches May

On my bed I weep and lay

Thinking the skies, how gray

And my life seems to fray. 

So I'll sit here and pray,

For a single beautiful ray. 

J.

Short And Fail

Just run the clock out, cause that's what you've been doing this whole time.
Be careful though, don't let them see your face, into your eyes.
Hide them. Like your hair is so good at doing.

J.

Mansfield

My smile isn't as bright
With the realization we never make it to the lights.
Late at night when the world still glows
What we have is strong it shows.
A drizzle isn't the same
But the big picture is I am game.
Her face in my mind is overpowered and bloated.
But on this earth memories have floated.
With what we still share
In others' eyes we'll see glares.
But you said nothing else matters
So the frights we shall shatter.
In the dismal melancholy
With everything there is folly.
To hear the soft sweet voice
I'm left with only one choice.
When we're in the morrow
We may feel more or less sorrow.
But one day in a huff
We'll find smiling is enough.

J. 

Shattered and Broken

Shattered and broken
My eyes on a token.
Slap it down on the table
Our problems like they're a fable.
Shattered and broken
You never heard what I had spoken.
You talked of her agony
But you forgot, that once was my decree.
Shattered and broken
I, in so much pain you had woken.
My walls are those of battle fields
Like from long ago when they used sheilds.
Shattered and broken
I started to open.
But you couldn't resist
Even when you knew I'd insist.
Shattered and broken
That seems like my life's slogan..


J.

Stats

So as his call resonated in the air and the vibrations of the mishap of his extremities rippled through the floor, I felt the emptiness of those drawers upstairs, the hollowness of the thick new carpet, and the lightness of the cold warmth in the large abode where no one really seemed to reside. Except for the hard, cold marble that had once seen only the cracks in its design and, until recent years in its lifetime, nothing below my curious nose. And the ever so long repetitive call tone that I'm so used to hearing, followed by the obnoxious greeting that once would've been cute but now even the robot lady knows the kind of person that it represents, doesn't compare to the automated messaging system that I rarely heard but that brings an army of emotions with the memory of the inverse of the last one containing three not so robotic words that everyone can predict but three words that no one knows the feelings of. As the purple and green and pink and blue an red and orange seem to swirl in my eyeballs and paint the hell I see while my adrenaline that was quickly pumped kicks me right into its pit with the shaking for days and screams so very loud yet I still can't feel my toes...

J.

Untitled III

I sat as I had seen the beautiful girl doing and thought of what she might have contemplated at this odd angle so convenient, wondering if the thought about solving the problems of her world as I did mine.
And the girl I want to be is "very conscious about what [she] thinks about." And as we stand, crowding toward one another, she softly lifts a wish into the air that the girl would come to that point in her life and I truly, deeply yearn for her to lift such a wish for me. Lightly, gently, slowly into the elements.
With the shadows dancing across his face in my peripheral vision, teasing my thoughts as to whether or not he was entering them, snapping my neck back to reality.

J.

Come In With The Cold

With the snowflakes dancing around, not quite falling, don't you wish you could be one of them?

Prancing cheerfully, typical (yet incomparable) beauty, and a uniqueness you can't create.
So quick to grab your attention. But right as you set your focus on one, it disappears with the violent wind.

The perfect analogy for you as you sit looking out the window where your mind seems to wander as you're stuck here. Trying to stay warm but it's all just so cold... 

J.