Mental Health I

When will this pen become the magic paintbrush for beautiful landscapes of thoughts? When will I 'bleed gold' and touch people with the manipulation of the English language? When will they listen to me, when I don't sound like you? When does recycling begin to save the world, when nothing gets to be the same again? When do my questions get answered? The questions that were the whole reason for this, now. These questions, along with the pain that I haven't yet forgotten, and new pain piling on top of the open wounds of the old, wondering what will scar and what will fade. Wondering so many things so much that I feel my eyeballs yearning to turn into my head and look around for the 'off' switch. I used to say I would much rather be deaf than blind but with such painful sights of such happiness I'd almost rather be blind.. I wonder (yes, here we go again) what would burn through my heart and soul with the loss of sight. Even temporary loss sometimes can be a damper. Like about two minutes ago, and the ironic thing being I'm writing this in mental health. This could be completely appropriate physical mental health - good and bad. Loss of sight in a 'relaxation technique' will be more than welcome. However, the marathon of thoughts waiting at the starting line for the gunshot of me letting my guard down is completely UNwelcome and should have a restraining order placed on the entire population of said marathon.
And she said as we get older, we start stepping back and taking a good look at ourselves; and maybe that's my problem. People my age shouldn't see themselves. I need to stop trying to figure myself out and then secretly wanting so badly for someone else to when I can't but being resistant to letting them in.

Raging

You always try to one up me

But one day you'll fall on your face.

Then you, and the rest of the world can see

That you're nothing special, merely a disgrace. 

It's always the right timing,

When you throw around your "bitterness"

For you to drop your rhyming 

Making me oh so much more less.

You really don't know.

You're actually kind of stupid.

You should stop trying to put on a show.

You've even worn out cupid.

You're not smart or clever, 

You can't come back with snide remarks.

You use people as a lever,

And sometimes, I'd like for you to be fed to the sharks.

Just shut your ugly mouth,

No one wants to hear what's gushing out.

Just fly off the Earth way far south

So when you do, we won't hear you shout.

You act so sweet and loving,

While spewing your real side into my life.

The things that no one likes, you're shoving.

I feel like driving you into a knife.

Call me psycho and malicious,

Sometimes I just can't help myself,

You drive me to be vicious.

But I'll put my feelings on a shelf. 

J.

Ay

I'm asked if I'm okay,

But what am I supposed to say? 

That every single day,

I feel you're gone, away?

As the year approaches May

On my bed I weep and lay

Thinking the skies, how gray

And my life seems to fray. 

So I'll sit here and pray,

For a single beautiful ray. 

J.

Short And Fail

Just run the clock out, cause that's what you've been doing this whole time.
Be careful though, don't let them see your face, into your eyes.
Hide them. Like your hair is so good at doing.

J.