Growing up

"She'll be okay. She'll be okay. She'll be okay."
He kept repeating himself and I hoped, so desperately, that the repitition was to convince me and not himself. He's supposed to know everything. He's supposed to say, "You know darlin', I don't actually know.." when he's unsure. Not repeat himself. I wonder if any of the repetition was for me. That one knows I'm always okay, but he asks anyway. The needless weren't sharp but they felt as though they could pierce my heart. The smell wasn't strong but I could see it take hold in his blood stream. And his eyes were not hard, but when he looked at me, leaned forward and said, "I will KILL you," any sane person would have gone rigid, too stiff to flee. The silence lay in front of me but that wasn't the depressing part, no. The music was sentimental but that didn't gain a chokehold on me, no. It was his presence, his voice, his message that made my brick wall necessary and (despite the wall) the heart behind it crack once more...

J.

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11-18-10

I turned and you spoke in my direction.
But when I turned back, you were already walking away.
You were there but not really to me.
And yet, when you left, I felt it; the absence of your presence.
Before I worked up the (realistic) will to tell you not to come back, you did.
And despite the hurt inside of me wanting to tell you to get out, the practicality of it was I couldn't do that.
The repercussions of what I would hope to be a brief conversation would actually resonate in my mind and heart for more than I can already bear...

J.

Dim Over Time

The numbers didn't come to me and I knew that they wouldn't no matter how long I sat there. The days seem to waste on and somehow there's still so much I cain't wait for but it always seems two-sided. She wants me looking up and he did call me his sunshine but all I see here is rain and boy, does it sometimes make for a beautifully reflecting sunset. Then the black out falls across my eyes and all I can manage to see is the lightning striking. But she couldn't see at all, no. She stuck her hand in it and ran, then swore just to find out she lied to him. And he paid the price.

J.

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