Growing up

"She'll be okay. She'll be okay. She'll be okay."
He kept repeating himself and I hoped, so desperately, that the repitition was to convince me and not himself. He's supposed to know everything. He's supposed to say, "You know darlin', I don't actually know.." when he's unsure. Not repeat himself. I wonder if any of the repetition was for me. That one knows I'm always okay, but he asks anyway. The needless weren't sharp but they felt as though they could pierce my heart. The smell wasn't strong but I could see it take hold in his blood stream. And his eyes were not hard, but when he looked at me, leaned forward and said, "I will KILL you," any sane person would have gone rigid, too stiff to flee. The silence lay in front of me but that wasn't the depressing part, no. The music was sentimental but that didn't gain a chokehold on me, no. It was his presence, his voice, his message that made my brick wall necessary and (despite the wall) the heart behind it crack once more...

J.

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11-18-10

I turned and you spoke in my direction.
But when I turned back, you were already walking away.
You were there but not really to me.
And yet, when you left, I felt it; the absence of your presence.
Before I worked up the (realistic) will to tell you not to come back, you did.
And despite the hurt inside of me wanting to tell you to get out, the practicality of it was I couldn't do that.
The repercussions of what I would hope to be a brief conversation would actually resonate in my mind and heart for more than I can already bear...

J.

Dim Over Time

The numbers didn't come to me and I knew that they wouldn't no matter how long I sat there. The days seem to waste on and somehow there's still so much I cain't wait for but it always seems two-sided. She wants me looking up and he did call me his sunshine but all I see here is rain and boy, does it sometimes make for a beautifully reflecting sunset. Then the black out falls across my eyes and all I can manage to see is the lightning striking. But she couldn't see at all, no. She stuck her hand in it and ran, then swore just to find out she lied to him. And he paid the price.

J.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

Say You, Say Me

You'll see,
one day I’ll be
just another passerby
until the day I get to fly. 
I’m not sorry for the person I am
I wouldn’t call myself a sham.
But I promise you,
I’ll do what I do.  
And when you hurt, don’t pass blame
It’s you that I’ll put to shame. 


J.

A Long Time Ago

I don't miss you, I pine for you
I'm not depressed, I'm languished
Just see you two
And I'm in anguish.
I don't know why I do this to myself
I just can't leave it alone
As a box on the shelf
that makes me groan
because everything seems shitty
I love the comfort, you try
But I really don't need any more pity
I'll just go and cry
And he said sorry, bad day
But I just couldn't explain
That every day, I'd simply say,
Is a bad day in my pain
So I sat there and cried
With the thoughts that were mine
And wished I had died
So I didn't waste your time.

J.

Mental Health I

When will this pen become the magic paintbrush for beautiful landscapes of thoughts? When will I 'bleed gold' and touch people with the manipulation of the English language? When will they listen to me, when I don't sound like you? When does recycling begin to save the world, when nothing gets to be the same again? When do my questions get answered? The questions that were the whole reason for this, now. These questions, along with the pain that I haven't yet forgotten, and new pain piling on top of the open wounds of the old, wondering what will scar and what will fade. Wondering so many things so much that I feel my eyeballs yearning to turn into my head and look around for the 'off' switch. I used to say I would much rather be deaf than blind but with such painful sights of such happiness I'd almost rather be blind.. I wonder (yes, here we go again) what would burn through my heart and soul with the loss of sight. Even temporary loss sometimes can be a damper. Like about two minutes ago, and the ironic thing being I'm writing this in mental health. This could be completely appropriate physical mental health - good and bad. Loss of sight in a 'relaxation technique' will be more than welcome. However, the marathon of thoughts waiting at the starting line for the gunshot of me letting my guard down is completely UNwelcome and should have a restraining order placed on the entire population of said marathon.
And she said as we get older, we start stepping back and taking a good look at ourselves; and maybe that's my problem. People my age shouldn't see themselves. I need to stop trying to figure myself out and then secretly wanting so badly for someone else to when I can't but being resistant to letting them in.

Raging

You always try to one up me

But one day you'll fall on your face.

Then you, and the rest of the world can see

That you're nothing special, merely a disgrace. 

It's always the right timing,

When you throw around your "bitterness"

For you to drop your rhyming 

Making me oh so much more less.

You really don't know.

You're actually kind of stupid.

You should stop trying to put on a show.

You've even worn out cupid.

You're not smart or clever, 

You can't come back with snide remarks.

You use people as a lever,

And sometimes, I'd like for you to be fed to the sharks.

Just shut your ugly mouth,

No one wants to hear what's gushing out.

Just fly off the Earth way far south

So when you do, we won't hear you shout.

You act so sweet and loving,

While spewing your real side into my life.

The things that no one likes, you're shoving.

I feel like driving you into a knife.

Call me psycho and malicious,

Sometimes I just can't help myself,

You drive me to be vicious.

But I'll put my feelings on a shelf. 

J.

Ay

I'm asked if I'm okay,

But what am I supposed to say? 

That every single day,

I feel you're gone, away?

As the year approaches May

On my bed I weep and lay

Thinking the skies, how gray

And my life seems to fray. 

So I'll sit here and pray,

For a single beautiful ray. 

J.

Short And Fail

Just run the clock out, cause that's what you've been doing this whole time.
Be careful though, don't let them see your face, into your eyes.
Hide them. Like your hair is so good at doing.

J.

Mansfield

My smile isn't as bright
With the realization we never make it to the lights.
Late at night when the world still glows
What we have is strong it shows.
A drizzle isn't the same
But the big picture is I am game.
Her face in my mind is overpowered and bloated.
But on this earth memories have floated.
With what we still share
In others' eyes we'll see glares.
But you said nothing else matters
So the frights we shall shatter.
In the dismal melancholy
With everything there is folly.
To hear the soft sweet voice
I'm left with only one choice.
When we're in the morrow
We may feel more or less sorrow.
But one day in a huff
We'll find smiling is enough.

J.