M&M

M&M

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime. When you're getting red lip prints on everything and hitting all the red lights, you may think you're headed down one street but then you take a turn, change the channel to a different station. And so what if your battery is running low? And so what if he doesn't recognize you? And so what if you think she's going the wrong way? Tomorrow you may not know what song you'll be singing, but it'll be a different day with a new light and you'll know what you're doing till your plans run out and you'll be doing something you didn't plan. He may not text you but I promise it won't matter because you didn't stay standing, you started flying and he missed the glow on that face of yours and you know what? He'll miss it cause when you're 30 and he expects you to be there, you'll be everywhere but. And it will be amazing.

J.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.1

Ink

Because when you write on your skin, it's in a different font.
But why does the skin get to drink the poison?
And the person you'd like so desperately to carve poisonous words into feels, nothing.
Sees, nothing.
Understands, nothing.
Says everything...
Everything that's poisonous.

J.

Discovered Decision

As the purple swirled with the pink, the green with the white and the water swishing it all away, she made her discovery. Maybe less of a discovery than her final decision. "And you know how I get when I make my decision." She was the same way.
She decided you really could depend on absolutely no one. Even when they know what you're leaning on them for is crucial; they'll let you down. No matter how much you need them. Her stomach churning,  head burning, and heart yearning, she wanted to depend on him. He'd prove it, right? Wrong. Always wrong.
There are so many things she wants to do, so much stuff to get done, "I never have the time..." So the things sit staring at her saying, 'look, I'm still here. Where are you?' While she goes and wastes her time on something that will bring her down.
So let the hot water be the only thing to explore your body, let the pillow be the only thing you lean on, and for God's your sake, let laughter be the only thing that keeps you up at night.


J.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Four Years and One Day Apart

I sat and walked and paced and just listened to his intoxicated voice ring in my ears all while my sea blue eyes feel with tears. as he attempted this thing thought so long ago. And after 70 pills mixed with alcohol he managed to converse the way I used to love conversing with him for a good few hours. it seemed like things would be okay, until I heard he's stomach hurl out near the phone. And she asked me not to tell anyone and he spoke of 'if tomorrow' like he wouldn't even make it a couple more hours. And I'm writing this as he thanks me for listening to him ramble, but honestly my mind is racing and I'm only getting every other word and adding an 'mmhmm' every few sentences just glad that his voice is still blowing and he thinks I'm okay with all this but I'm just praying that I can still hear his voice days from now...

J.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Dorothy Day

So I sat there thinking familiar thoughts that hadn't ever come together to hit me so hard. I love the way you gently run your long nails down and across my back, the way you so lightly brush my hair to the side and comment on the texture or color which takes you back through memories and relations. I love the way you call me pretty and your girl. And that sweet, southern way you call me darlin' which I've heard so much but never tire of. I love the way you sign your name, though you don't really know how those things all work and the way you sign your name leads me to believe you're still living in a whole other world of more oblivion than I realized. This is fine though and I look in your eyes and I know, you know. You know how I am and the kind of things I like. You know my heart and brilliantly, sometimes my mind. Even though you don't REALLY know. And I love everything about you and just how you are. Even though I don't REALLY know. You've given me more than I could've ever imagined wishing for. But I still want more. I want you. Please, don't go anywhere...

J.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Growing up

"She'll be okay. She'll be okay. She'll be okay."
He kept repeating himself and I hoped, so desperately, that the repitition was to convince me and not himself. He's supposed to know everything. He's supposed to say, "You know darlin', I don't actually know.." when he's unsure. Not repeat himself. I wonder if any of the repetition was for me. That one knows I'm always okay, but he asks anyway. The needless weren't sharp but they felt as though they could pierce my heart. The smell wasn't strong but I could see it take hold in his blood stream. And his eyes were not hard, but when he looked at me, leaned forward and said, "I will KILL you," any sane person would have gone rigid, too stiff to flee. The silence lay in front of me but that wasn't the depressing part, no. The music was sentimental but that didn't gain a chokehold on me, no. It was his presence, his voice, his message that made my brick wall necessary and (despite the wall) the heart behind it crack once more...

J.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

11-18-10

I turned and you spoke in my direction.
But when I turned back, you were already walking away.
You were there but not really to me.
And yet, when you left, I felt it; the absence of your presence.
Before I worked up the (realistic) will to tell you not to come back, you did.
And despite the hurt inside of me wanting to tell you to get out, the practicality of it was I couldn't do that.
The repercussions of what I would hope to be a brief conversation would actually resonate in my mind and heart for more than I can already bear...

J.

Dim Over Time

The numbers didn't come to me and I knew that they wouldn't no matter how long I sat there. The days seem to waste on and somehow there's still so much I cain't wait for but it always seems two-sided. She wants me looking up and he did call me his sunshine but all I see here is rain and boy, does it sometimes make for a beautifully reflecting sunset. Then the black out falls across my eyes and all I can manage to see is the lightning striking. But she couldn't see at all, no. She stuck her hand in it and ran, then swore just to find out she lied to him. And he paid the price.

J.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

Say You, Say Me

You'll see,
one day I’ll be
just another passerby
until the day I get to fly. 
I’m not sorry for the person I am
I wouldn’t call myself a sham.
But I promise you,
I’ll do what I do.  
And when you hurt, don’t pass blame
It’s you that I’ll put to shame. 


J.

A Long Time Ago

I don't miss you, I pine for you
I'm not depressed, I'm languished
Just see you two
And I'm in anguish.
I don't know why I do this to myself
I just can't leave it alone
As a box on the shelf
that makes me groan
because everything seems shitty
I love the comfort, you try
But I really don't need any more pity
I'll just go and cry
And he said sorry, bad day
But I just couldn't explain
That every day, I'd simply say,
Is a bad day in my pain
So I sat there and cried
With the thoughts that were mine
And wished I had died
So I didn't waste your time.

J.