Dear,

God, I really don’t know what to say anymore… I feel like just grabbing your shoulders, shaking you and saying, “I love you, dammit!” But you should know that. You have me at your fingertips. I’m “sprung” okay? You just have no idea.. What happened? Why does it have to be like this? Is it really that impossible for two people to have a good relationship and be happy? Or am I just that naïve? I’m starting to believe that I really am going to end up the lonely old cat lady on the corner… Was it going bad and I was simply blind to it or was it really this spontaneous? Can we ever go back to how we were before? I was the happiest girl ever been. I liked that girl you thought she was “perfect.” What did she do wrong? How can she fix it? Just don’t leave her in the dark. She’s becoming the girl she doesn’t wanna be… So is it over, or do you think we can make it? I want you. I want us. I want this love we have. Because for once, I believe it. I’m sorry if I’m being too much of a girl and repeating myself a bit but you really don’t understand how much you mean to me. I’ve fallen for you, and I’m thinking I’ll see myself lying on the ground. But I want to see myself lying in your arms. That’s my sanctuary and dear lord it feels so right. Like I actually belong…

J.

Phonecall Silence

As your head fills with frustration then drains with cobblestones and tarp-laying tans. You think "ah" until you have a full conversation of emptiness and shouts filling with silence. With "goodnights" rising in obnoxious numbers because she doesn't know when to shut the door. And his indifference showing as he won't answer the phone. When she becomes the little princess that expects to be catered to and the women who accused us of sisterhood should be shot in the face. I've always wanted to be so much different from her until I realized, I was so much like her (not counting the footsteps down the hallway). And my experiences amount to anger and shame while the competition is actually very lame. Because though she could be impressive, all you want to do is punch her in the face. Bringing back recollections of how she "promised" to "throw down." Like I said, funny. but someone told her no one would ever be able to love her. Someone must have, because I couldn't help but repeating it, over and over and over again in my head. The temperature is rising but she and he were cooling. The non issues were increasing but her patience was depleting. And the surprise of a tiny bit of realization came through the muffled cough of the forgotten speaker. Bringing memory of the earlier words, spoken in few, that brought back heartbreaking memories of times when silence was the only option to keep breathing.
J.

Sunshine, My Darling

Bring me some sunshine, my darling. You tell me time is running out yet won't give me a hand. She's clever and has so much more to say to you. She's small and defies gravity, because of you. She's stunning, and I am stone. We seem to be great but when we're so close, we don't realize that we're worlds apart. I'm vulnerable and I feel so weak for not knowing what's to come. For not knowing where to go from here. And you ignore my imperfections, you've accepted all that I am. But you don't tell me my insecurities will pass. You don't take advantage of my weakness to make me stronger. You, and the rest of the world, "know" I'll be okay. And I will. Which ironically seems to weaken me. And I'm tired, oh so tired, of trying to bask in the false sunshine. I want you to bring me some, my darling.

J.

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Double L

So tonight the moon smiled at us.

As I held a brick on my head, lillies in my hands and twists in my heart.

It's 70 before we start shaking and the 25th before our lives begin with the things we put on the shelves.

She squealed and I accidentally made a promise I may purposefully not keep.

Sometimes, we must begin again, when we're too far out.

Then late at night, when she's happy, we realize that we're not far enough.

Things aren't quiet enough or seldom enough, but never long enough either.

She's never still enough.

We're just not here enough.

And those letters, just don't amount to enough.

J.

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M&M

M&M

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime. When you're getting red lip prints on everything and hitting all the red lights, you may think you're headed down one street but then you take a turn, change the channel to a different station. And so what if your battery is running low? And so what if he doesn't recognize you? And so what if you think she's going the wrong way? Tomorrow you may not know what song you'll be singing, but it'll be a different day with a new light and you'll know what you're doing till your plans run out and you'll be doing something you didn't plan. He may not text you but I promise it won't matter because you didn't stay standing, you started flying and he missed the glow on that face of yours and you know what? He'll miss it cause when you're 30 and he expects you to be there, you'll be everywhere but. And it will be amazing.

J.

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Ink

Because when you write on your skin, it's in a different font.
But why does the skin get to drink the poison?
And the person you'd like so desperately to carve poisonous words into feels, nothing.
Sees, nothing.
Understands, nothing.
Says everything...
Everything that's poisonous.

J.

Discovered Decision

As the purple swirled with the pink, the green with the white and the water swishing it all away, she made her discovery. Maybe less of a discovery than her final decision. "And you know how I get when I make my decision." She was the same way.
She decided you really could depend on absolutely no one. Even when they know what you're leaning on them for is crucial; they'll let you down. No matter how much you need them. Her stomach churning,  head burning, and heart yearning, she wanted to depend on him. He'd prove it, right? Wrong. Always wrong.
There are so many things she wants to do, so much stuff to get done, "I never have the time..." So the things sit staring at her saying, 'look, I'm still here. Where are you?' While she goes and wastes her time on something that will bring her down.
So let the hot water be the only thing to explore your body, let the pillow be the only thing you lean on, and for God's your sake, let laughter be the only thing that keeps you up at night.


J.

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Four Years and One Day Apart

I sat and walked and paced and just listened to his intoxicated voice ring in my ears all while my sea blue eyes feel with tears. as he attempted this thing thought so long ago. And after 70 pills mixed with alcohol he managed to converse the way I used to love conversing with him for a good few hours. it seemed like things would be okay, until I heard he's stomach hurl out near the phone. And she asked me not to tell anyone and he spoke of 'if tomorrow' like he wouldn't even make it a couple more hours. And I'm writing this as he thanks me for listening to him ramble, but honestly my mind is racing and I'm only getting every other word and adding an 'mmhmm' every few sentences just glad that his voice is still blowing and he thinks I'm okay with all this but I'm just praying that I can still hear his voice days from now...

J.

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Dorothy Day

So I sat there thinking familiar thoughts that hadn't ever come together to hit me so hard. I love the way you gently run your long nails down and across my back, the way you so lightly brush my hair to the side and comment on the texture or color which takes you back through memories and relations. I love the way you call me pretty and your girl. And that sweet, southern way you call me darlin' which I've heard so much but never tire of. I love the way you sign your name, though you don't really know how those things all work and the way you sign your name leads me to believe you're still living in a whole other world of more oblivion than I realized. This is fine though and I look in your eyes and I know, you know. You know how I am and the kind of things I like. You know my heart and brilliantly, sometimes my mind. Even though you don't REALLY know. And I love everything about you and just how you are. Even though I don't REALLY know. You've given me more than I could've ever imagined wishing for. But I still want more. I want you. Please, don't go anywhere...

J.

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Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Growing up

"She'll be okay. She'll be okay. She'll be okay."
He kept repeating himself and I hoped, so desperately, that the repitition was to convince me and not himself. He's supposed to know everything. He's supposed to say, "You know darlin', I don't actually know.." when he's unsure. Not repeat himself. I wonder if any of the repetition was for me. That one knows I'm always okay, but he asks anyway. The needless weren't sharp but they felt as though they could pierce my heart. The smell wasn't strong but I could see it take hold in his blood stream. And his eyes were not hard, but when he looked at me, leaned forward and said, "I will KILL you," any sane person would have gone rigid, too stiff to flee. The silence lay in front of me but that wasn't the depressing part, no. The music was sentimental but that didn't gain a chokehold on me, no. It was his presence, his voice, his message that made my brick wall necessary and (despite the wall) the heart behind it crack once more...

J.

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