Sugar Plum Princess

As you lay your head, crooked against rough, green pleather, the sun's rays seem to lay their hands around your cheek and caress it like the too rough hands had done so gently. 'And visions of sugar plums danced in your head' but it's not that time of year though you wish you could be the sugar plum princess through every season. But then the light appears too bright in the stereo-typical interrogation or worse yet when you've lost all your marbles. But the light doesn't help you find them, it just reminds you that people are convinced you've indeed lost them; but you actually know where they are, they're just hidden from the spot-light somewhere else and you won't tell anyone, shhh.

J.

Words on the Door

I don't dare raise a hand to that foggy door because I know exactly what I'll write and even if I resist writing it, I know exactly what I'll think (which I think too much already) and want to write it. But I can't because I wanna say it but I can't. And I want, I want, I want,  but this is so much more; this is I need and I hate that but I'm terrible and it's true. The door knows it all and when I leave it, it feels so sorry for me that its arms of steam wrap me up and hold me; if only for a moment until the mist clears from my eyes and from the room. And they promise me they'll make the words on the door disappear soon. And maybe if they were just a little more buff and could speak just a little louder they would promise me that they would make all my pains go away; like the words on the door. Just like the words on the door...

J.

Unimaginative

And it's like I've got to hold onto something for dear life even though things are changing so much. But she's really not that pretty with her hair pulled back and I realized the month marker in the hospital (and would have been okay with the unintelligent lady with the mesmerizing accent telling me something devastating) but I didn't cry in that moment because on the moon there's no gravity to pull down my tears. But my world will keep spinning no matter how I decorate. Maybe I should start to replay a different quote and even though I lay on my hand so abnormally, I'd really like to strangle the barks in mid night air. Because I wish for time in between and the drum I hear is not the beat I feel and the circle I see is not the loop I'm in. But don't let someone else decide your emotions because even though I tried to help I don't know what I'm doing because the lady with the voice of a child and the nice white coat hasn't helped. The cat that she spoke of was her only companion but who could tell you it's this and that? With the hands and the eyes all a part of the body attached to the brain with the mind and that feeling all the way through. Who knows what I'm saying? It's dyslexia of the nervous system stemmed from the chemical makeup in the brain that isn't quite right. Or so I told her as I tried explaining the problem through a neutral third party that I know had some effect from multiple sources who witnessed the aftermath. But when does it end? He wonders as I try to reassure him but at the same time, I'm stripping it all away. Not knowing what he really wants but knowing that I'd like to know for myself the answer to the question to which I led him falsely astray...

J.

One sentence in my world

And the fireflies lit up the field in between the trees and all around us as I took the turns speeding without the brakes and wishful thinking (that was soon crushed by one too close and the sight of an empty court) still in my head as I ignored my responsibilities towards you and only played a song that wasn't painful (which made me skip way too many) and depending on what was next as the sweat dripped down my face and refusing to tie my hair back because I welcomed the wind (no matter how polluted) to come and tangle my hair.

J.

Our Caslte Out The Window

And everything seems wrong and bad and painful. You've learned to stand when standing isn't easy. But the memory of learning that makes you miss everything and tears threaten to come again and maybe you're just finished with it; finished with standing when it's not easy. Through the droopy eyelids and the fogged up pupils, avoiding the perception of the thing that makes your eyes the saddest of all, you look out to your castle and it's standing. So go there. And let there be no gravity there; no gravity of any kind. There will be no options; no standing or falling. Just floating. Maybe you're floating in tears here but go to your castle and float in happiness...

J.


Photo credit: David Plunkett

Your kind

There's something I need to tell you
for it's been playing on my mind.
You're yet another clue
to the problem with your kind.
The ones who come and fill me and then simply depart.
After promising me forever
all I get is another void inside my heart
that fills up with never...

J.

'I wanna set the world on fire...'

What do you do when you set your world on fire?
I'd love to bask in the warmth.
I'd love to get lost in the slight blue hidden in the orange and yellow.
But I'm burning.
Lord, I'm burning badly.
And the tears measure largely in volume.
But this time, this time, they can't put the fire out.
This time I get to burn.
And dear Lord, I'm burning badly.
There's no escaping this burning world.
I don't get to go to another world.
But 'this isn't the end of the world.'
It can't be.
This can't be the worst day because you don't know what tomorrow will bring.
I promise that anything worse won't be the fault of my stupidity.
Lord, I'm burning badly.
The world is on fire.
At least it is in my eyes.
I wonder if you can see the reflection.
Is it multiplied and magnified by the tears?
But they won't extinguish the fire.
Not this time.
Not this world.
I wanted to set the world on fire.
Now it's burning way too brightly.
And dear Lord, I'm burning badly...

J.

Your Highness

The blows are hard and low

but now it's time to put on a show.

Flaunt your best smile

and prove that no one can walk a mile

in your heels; you're as high as the sky

just try to look in my eyes.

I bet you can't,

so you simply shan't.

Damn you're hard to resist

but I definitely do insist,

because you're no good for me

but I'll be as strong as I can be.

And I promise I'll never ever stop

because darlin' I'm shooting to the very top.

And no one will bring me down.

Not even if I myself have given you the crown...

J.

OKay

I'm okay.

Let me be clear.

I'm okay without you.

Listen closely my dear.

I'm okay without anyone.

I'm going to share.

I'm okay without anything.

Even if you don't care.

I'm okay no matter what.

I've survived through way too much

to even consider letting this touch

my heart.

I'll certainly depart.

This could all go.

Everything could fall so

hard, and drastically;

and guess where I'll be.

Right inside me.

(And I'll be okay)

Once, we shared love

so strong, it had to have been from above.

And now it's all gone.

But I sure got strong.

I can be so angry and hurt

I can feel like dirt

but you won't have the privilege of doing that to me.

I'd rather smile less on my own terms,

than smile so much more with the germs

of you. You're poison.

Not just to me.

They just don't see.

One day they will

and hopefully you'll squeal;

out of frustration and sorrow.

But for now and tomorrow,

I'm okay...

J.

Parallax

Why do people do things that they know would embarass them when they THINK no one is looking? you might as well just do whatever it is without trying to hide it. There's always somone looking. Haven't you ever seen someone do something unaware of your gaze?
But then there are other times...
times when you're looking at someone, and they're looking at you; but you aren't really sure they're actually looking at you. you know, like when someone waves at you (or so you think) and while you're listing all the people that person could possibly be, they walk right past you and give the person behind you a big hug. or vice versa, when they're waving at you and you aren't positive they're actually waving at you so you ignore them.
Or better yet, there are those other times...
when someone is actually looking at you this time, maybe you're talking to them or in the same room as them and you're looking at them looking at you.
We all secretly love catching people looking at us. At least when it's not in a creepy or bad way.
those times...
when people are looking at you, do you ever wonder what ther see? or do you think they're too busy judging you? or maybe wondering the same thing. If you asked them to tell you what they see, would they be honest? would they simply tell you what they think you want to hear? would they say what you anticipated, or would they take you by surprise? do they even see you at all? not the color of your hair or eyes, or what you're wearing. Not how tall or short, or skinny or fat you are. Not how straight your teeth are, or even if you're smiling. But YOU. what, through their eyes, do they see in you? what do they see in your eyes?
It's all in the eyes.
Those damn eyes...

J