Meaningless Meanings

It's hard to fall asleep when your heart is beating so loudly you know it's going to explode but you can't tell which will happen first, your head or your chest. I'm breathing like I'm one hundred and eighty-seven pounds at five foot two and honestly, I feel like that quite often. It's sad that I would even be sleeping at seven pm. And I didn't dream this time purely out of exhaustion of body and mind. But I arose in a sudden manner from the mere vibration of my mobile device (the wretched thing), out of breath and fairly discombobulated as if I was escaping sheer terror. I haven't decided what's worse yet; having a terrifying nightmare and knowing it, seeing it vividly, experiencing it, remembering it.. Or having one and not being fully aware of it but feeling the terror through your bones anyway. The answer may seem easy. But sometimes, you just have an odd number of long nails and you just have to learn to get used to them and put them to use or go ahead and bite them down like you have done your entire life. The cause of that are those glances and stares you get that make you want to jump out of your skin. In anger. In despair. In desperation to escape. And in trying to flee, you're caught up in the memories. And the ones that make you smile are the ones that make you want to cry and you are sad and mad and glad and your head is spinning and your heart is beating. So much so that you can't fall asleep. It's like playing a song that you can't help but sing to while trying desperately to relay a message of life or death to someone and neither thing is working. YOU JUST CAN'T SLEEP WITH YOUR HEART BEATING SO LOUD. So then I have a scare when it slows to a stop (because you know it does that sometimes) and certain things are the cause sometimes and other times I feel like maybe my many prayers have been answered but I don't know what I really believe. But then the world turns out okay because you find joyful similarities and so what if they're common? Mix them with the others unknowing and enlighten them with your personal delights and your world is grand. But then you over do and don't know WHAT to do. And you're lost but you're found. AND YOUR HEAD IS JUST SPINNING 'ROUND AND 'ROUND.

J.