Two Days After, Before the Storm

9/5/13 

The reflection brushed the leaves. I wasn't expecting them to move. But they went with the gracefulness that was lacking here. 

And right on cue, they spilled all the magic of her... 

J. 

Mumbles

And I wondered if the sun headset on you the way it had set on me

Or if the trees Caught on fire the way I thought only I could see. 

And I wondered if everything around you was falling the way it was around me. 

Or if you could even see how it was all supposed to be. 

And how do evergreens fade? 

We can pretend that the noises are the ones we want to hear

But it's all mundane after we've figured it out and all we have left is the swirling of the mouth. 

J. 

All

And these will all too soon be red. 

And we'll all too soon be gone. 

But we're all still in a hurry. 

Even though it all goes so wrong. 

And we all want something different. 

And we want it all to just keep turning. 

We're all just so damn different. 

But we all want to be the same. 

And it's all so controversial. 

But it all comes out to a grade.

And it all goes so quiet 

After all being so chaotic 

And all the little things, I notice

All these places, I fall into.  

And all these people mean something 

But  all those things are insignificant. 

And all the ones that don't do anything

Are all the ones that do so much. 

All the things that no one notes

Are all that she can give

And she gives all the things she can

All the words that are said 

Are all the plagues of the unsaid 

And all the times that weren't cared 

Are all the deaths that there are. 

J. 

Nights You'll Remember But Maybe Don't Want To

And the tears come in waves 

And the smoke comes in drones 

And the cops come but we don't need em

And you're far away 

And missing is all I've known 

And drunken girls are loud 

And skinny is all they strive for 

And you are all that I want 

And they're not what I wanna be 

But this is all I've seen 

And this is all I know 

And I'm okay with that 

And really, should I be? 

Cause love is overused

And you never did mean it 

And I cannot  lose you now 

And you're the one I needed

And loud is all they cared about 

And I didn't wanna be here 

And in your arms I'm found 

And with you I really mean it. 

But can this even happen? 

And is crazy really normal? 

And I guess we'll have to see

And I guess we'll all just be.

J. 

I'm out

I wanted to go to your cabin out in the beauty, where the mood would be all the light I need to see your beautiful eyes.
I wanted photographs that would've shown us.
I wanted to lean on your shoulder and think that everything was okay.
I wanted to hold your face in my hands and think you were more beautiful than I.
I wanted you.
And you weren't "into it."
But that's a lie.
You're just scared.
And I was too.
But you talked me out of it.
Made me feel it instead.
And now all I feel are tears and heartbreak.
Of abandonment and rejection.
On top of the false sense of it being you and not me.
And he said you missed me.
The reality was that I missed.
I missed it all.
Every time.
Third strike's the charm.

J.

Letter Men

The trickling didn’t come in time with my emotions. The buzzing was instead pounding within my pulse. There was something about it that I always questioned. I tried to drive it out with the alphabet but it ended up sounding like this:

 AB&C didn’t take me very far. 


DE&F bullied me to the bridge. 


GH&I kept to themselves in my misery. 


JK&L pushed me over it, into another world. 


MN&O came to save me but were out of order with the wrong timing. 


PQ&R confused me and used me but I kept walking. 


ST&U were never really the bad guys, just conquerers of my path. 


VW&X were my makeover crew. 


Z, well we’ll just have to see. 

J.

Beauty and the Beast

And she looked beautiful tonight but you could see everything, feel everything under all that. With the look he gave her, her heart felt like his throat and she knew, she just knew. She'd always been the biggest actress there never was and the moment she said goodbye to him, I shook my head and knew her. I knew her... I knew her beauty and all the beast that it entailed.

J.

Mr. Demmit

His lack of sense humoresques me, seemingly whole-heartedly, to a point where I almost felt bad (but then, I was losing myself). The smell up those stairs took me back to the days of caves on much different stairs that no longer exist. With thoughts in the same place but in different ways entirely, unable to go back in that direction.

J.

Rolled Up

We let it all fall before we let the walls come crumbling down. When, then, they go right back up on repeat though the words sounded terrible and now it's such an original song that could be so beautiful. But she spoke about the facade that the pretties put up and I couldn't help but relate to the ugly side of that. And you blamed me for my memory while yours seems extinguished to all I deserve. She was derogatory for deleting the doormat. I was derogatory for ending up on the floor where I pushed you to her and I should've just let her suck you in. I thought our roles were reversed, I'd love to see the ending of you two, blindly in the same roles. And how you'd both get so screwed up and miss out on the rolling of the mat.

J.

Locker

Days blurring together and you're running after them. The packs of M&Ms are a specific number and it's simply insignificant altogether. The smiles and hellos make no difference and the effects of it all seem catastrophic in tiny ways that almost erupt as a volcano. The scissors almost stab the things you want the most while the OCD and duller things screw up the almost material thing that you've worked the most on. The stress isn't what they think it is. The gorgeous eyes, he got right but the emotions behind them, he doesn't have a clue about. The pressure in the head seems sharply constant and constantly dull. The anger seems psychotic and the bottle seems so weak. The little things are the biggest yet somehow the most irrelevant. You walk the ground and fly the sky but you're absolutely nowhere in between. So many big places you can choose to go, yet your choices are infinitely limited. The faces and places they consist of let you down constantly and the only sort of security seems to be an unfair small box where they say locks are required but there are ways around it...

J. 

From Shadows to the Warmth

Running from the shadows, trying to find the warmth. Turn the music up as loud as the human ear drum can tolerate. Maybe you can lose your voice trying to sing as loud. Every effort is made to shut out the brain. But the carefree attitude he warned me would fade keeps coming and going and I try so desperately for it to work but the bear is wise and as much as I hate to admit it, I know he's right. And she sings, 'you're the one for me' softly into my ear and I'm not entirely sure she knows what she's talking about because that's what he told me and so did he and I did and everything just got screwed up and nothing came out true. I know the bear is aware that hurting comes from hurting and I hope he doesn't hurt anymore but I'm not sure I'll ever stop because I'm aware that hurting comes from hurting so I'm hurting and hurting. The things that used to make me cry, just don't anymore but I cry at everything anyway and I cry so much that I'll just want to run away from the shadows and find some warmth.

J.

Between the Two of You

Travel all across the world just to meet her... And she's traveling to meet you and you both go so far but actually go nowhere. And when she's standing right in front of you and you know exactly what's going through her head. You both look down and part ways because you haven't really met her yet. But you had her already so you'll never even know.

J.

Jr.

And when I hold my breath, the flames are still. But even when they're gone, wax spills.
My skin, it burns, while my stomach, it churns.
And through the sobs, my head still throbs.
The bag is getting creases and of me, it's getting pieces.
My heart is all wrong, you took it with that song.
In the books, I haven't hooked.
Instead my voice feels the choice.
With hate, it seems my fate.
I soon find desire in the thought I could retire
into my soul, if it hasn't yet turned into a black hole.
I guess we'll wait and see what I'll soon be...

J.

Dear,

God, I really don’t know what to say anymore… I feel like just grabbing your shoulders, shaking you and saying, “I love you, dammit!” But you should know that. You have me at your fingertips. I’m “sprung” okay? You just have no idea.. What happened? Why does it have to be like this? Is it really that impossible for two people to have a good relationship and be happy? Or am I just that naïve? I’m starting to believe that I really am going to end up the lonely old cat lady on the corner… Was it going bad and I was simply blind to it or was it really this spontaneous? Can we ever go back to how we were before? I was the happiest girl ever been. I liked that girl you thought she was “perfect.” What did she do wrong? How can she fix it? Just don’t leave her in the dark. She’s becoming the girl she doesn’t wanna be… So is it over, or do you think we can make it? I want you. I want us. I want this love we have. Because for once, I believe it. I’m sorry if I’m being too much of a girl and repeating myself a bit but you really don’t understand how much you mean to me. I’ve fallen for you, and I’m thinking I’ll see myself lying on the ground. But I want to see myself lying in your arms. That’s my sanctuary and dear lord it feels so right. Like I actually belong…

J.

Phonecall Silence

As your head fills with frustration then drains with cobblestones and tarp-laying tans. You think "ah" until you have a full conversation of emptiness and shouts filling with silence. With "goodnights" rising in obnoxious numbers because she doesn't know when to shut the door. And his indifference showing as he won't answer the phone. When she becomes the little princess that expects to be catered to and the women who accused us of sisterhood should be shot in the face. I've always wanted to be so much different from her until I realized, I was so much like her (not counting the footsteps down the hallway). And my experiences amount to anger and shame while the competition is actually very lame. Because though she could be impressive, all you want to do is punch her in the face. Bringing back recollections of how she "promised" to "throw down." Like I said, funny. but someone told her no one would ever be able to love her. Someone must have, because I couldn't help but repeating it, over and over and over again in my head. The temperature is rising but she and he were cooling. The non issues were increasing but her patience was depleting. And the surprise of a tiny bit of realization came through the muffled cough of the forgotten speaker. Bringing memory of the earlier words, spoken in few, that brought back heartbreaking memories of times when silence was the only option to keep breathing.
J.

Sunshine, My Darling

Bring me some sunshine, my darling. You tell me time is running out yet won't give me a hand. She's clever and has so much more to say to you. She's small and defies gravity, because of you. She's stunning, and I am stone. We seem to be great but when we're so close, we don't realize that we're worlds apart. I'm vulnerable and I feel so weak for not knowing what's to come. For not knowing where to go from here. And you ignore my imperfections, you've accepted all that I am. But you don't tell me my insecurities will pass. You don't take advantage of my weakness to make me stronger. You, and the rest of the world, "know" I'll be okay. And I will. Which ironically seems to weaken me. And I'm tired, oh so tired, of trying to bask in the false sunshine. I want you to bring me some, my darling.

J.

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Double L

So tonight the moon smiled at us.

As I held a brick on my head, lillies in my hands and twists in my heart.

It's 70 before we start shaking and the 25th before our lives begin with the things we put on the shelves.

She squealed and I accidentally made a promise I may purposefully not keep.

Sometimes, we must begin again, when we're too far out.

Then late at night, when she's happy, we realize that we're not far enough.

Things aren't quiet enough or seldom enough, but never long enough either.

She's never still enough.

We're just not here enough.

And those letters, just don't amount to enough.

J.

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M&M

M&M

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime. When you're getting red lip prints on everything and hitting all the red lights, you may think you're headed down one street but then you take a turn, change the channel to a different station. And so what if your battery is running low? And so what if he doesn't recognize you? And so what if you think she's going the wrong way? Tomorrow you may not know what song you'll be singing, but it'll be a different day with a new light and you'll know what you're doing till your plans run out and you'll be doing something you didn't plan. He may not text you but I promise it won't matter because you didn't stay standing, you started flying and he missed the glow on that face of yours and you know what? He'll miss it cause when you're 30 and he expects you to be there, you'll be everywhere but. And it will be amazing.

J.

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Ink

Because when you write on your skin, it's in a different font.
But why does the skin get to drink the poison?
And the person you'd like so desperately to carve poisonous words into feels, nothing.
Sees, nothing.
Understands, nothing.
Says everything...
Everything that's poisonous.

J.

Discovered Decision

As the purple swirled with the pink, the green with the white and the water swishing it all away, she made her discovery. Maybe less of a discovery than her final decision. "And you know how I get when I make my decision." She was the same way.
She decided you really could depend on absolutely no one. Even when they know what you're leaning on them for is crucial; they'll let you down. No matter how much you need them. Her stomach churning,  head burning, and heart yearning, she wanted to depend on him. He'd prove it, right? Wrong. Always wrong.
There are so many things she wants to do, so much stuff to get done, "I never have the time..." So the things sit staring at her saying, 'look, I'm still here. Where are you?' While she goes and wastes her time on something that will bring her down.
So let the hot water be the only thing to explore your body, let the pillow be the only thing you lean on, and for God's your sake, let laughter be the only thing that keeps you up at night.


J.

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