One sentence in my world

And the fireflies lit up the field in between the trees and all around us as I took the turns speeding without the brakes and wishful thinking (that was soon crushed by one too close and the sight of an empty court) still in my head as I ignored my responsibilities towards you and only played a song that wasn't painful (which made me skip way too many) and depending on what was next as the sweat dripped down my face and refusing to tie my hair back because I welcomed the wind (no matter how polluted) to come and tangle my hair.

J.

Our Caslte Out The Window

And everything seems wrong and bad and painful. You've learned to stand when standing isn't easy. But the memory of learning that makes you miss everything and tears threaten to come again and maybe you're just finished with it; finished with standing when it's not easy. Through the droopy eyelids and the fogged up pupils, avoiding the perception of the thing that makes your eyes the saddest of all, you look out to your castle and it's standing. So go there. And let there be no gravity there; no gravity of any kind. There will be no options; no standing or falling. Just floating. Maybe you're floating in tears here but go to your castle and float in happiness...

J.


Photo credit: David Plunkett

Your kind

There's something I need to tell you
for it's been playing on my mind.
You're yet another clue
to the problem with your kind.
The ones who come and fill me and then simply depart.
After promising me forever
all I get is another void inside my heart
that fills up with never...

J.

'I wanna set the world on fire...'

What do you do when you set your world on fire?
I'd love to bask in the warmth.
I'd love to get lost in the slight blue hidden in the orange and yellow.
But I'm burning.
Lord, I'm burning badly.
And the tears measure largely in volume.
But this time, this time, they can't put the fire out.
This time I get to burn.
And dear Lord, I'm burning badly.
There's no escaping this burning world.
I don't get to go to another world.
But 'this isn't the end of the world.'
It can't be.
This can't be the worst day because you don't know what tomorrow will bring.
I promise that anything worse won't be the fault of my stupidity.
Lord, I'm burning badly.
The world is on fire.
At least it is in my eyes.
I wonder if you can see the reflection.
Is it multiplied and magnified by the tears?
But they won't extinguish the fire.
Not this time.
Not this world.
I wanted to set the world on fire.
Now it's burning way too brightly.
And dear Lord, I'm burning badly...

J.

Your Highness

The blows are hard and low

but now it's time to put on a show.

Flaunt your best smile

and prove that no one can walk a mile

in your heels; you're as high as the sky

just try to look in my eyes.

I bet you can't,

so you simply shan't.

Damn you're hard to resist

but I definitely do insist,

because you're no good for me

but I'll be as strong as I can be.

And I promise I'll never ever stop

because darlin' I'm shooting to the very top.

And no one will bring me down.

Not even if I myself have given you the crown...

J.

OKay

I'm okay.

Let me be clear.

I'm okay without you.

Listen closely my dear.

I'm okay without anyone.

I'm going to share.

I'm okay without anything.

Even if you don't care.

I'm okay no matter what.

I've survived through way too much

to even consider letting this touch

my heart.

I'll certainly depart.

This could all go.

Everything could fall so

hard, and drastically;

and guess where I'll be.

Right inside me.

(And I'll be okay)

Once, we shared love

so strong, it had to have been from above.

And now it's all gone.

But I sure got strong.

I can be so angry and hurt

I can feel like dirt

but you won't have the privilege of doing that to me.

I'd rather smile less on my own terms,

than smile so much more with the germs

of you. You're poison.

Not just to me.

They just don't see.

One day they will

and hopefully you'll squeal;

out of frustration and sorrow.

But for now and tomorrow,

I'm okay...

J.

Parallax

Why do people do things that they know would embarass them when they THINK no one is looking? you might as well just do whatever it is without trying to hide it. There's always somone looking. Haven't you ever seen someone do something unaware of your gaze?
But then there are other times...
times when you're looking at someone, and they're looking at you; but you aren't really sure they're actually looking at you. you know, like when someone waves at you (or so you think) and while you're listing all the people that person could possibly be, they walk right past you and give the person behind you a big hug. or vice versa, when they're waving at you and you aren't positive they're actually waving at you so you ignore them.
Or better yet, there are those other times...
when someone is actually looking at you this time, maybe you're talking to them or in the same room as them and you're looking at them looking at you.
We all secretly love catching people looking at us. At least when it's not in a creepy or bad way.
those times...
when people are looking at you, do you ever wonder what ther see? or do you think they're too busy judging you? or maybe wondering the same thing. If you asked them to tell you what they see, would they be honest? would they simply tell you what they think you want to hear? would they say what you anticipated, or would they take you by surprise? do they even see you at all? not the color of your hair or eyes, or what you're wearing. Not how tall or short, or skinny or fat you are. Not how straight your teeth are, or even if you're smiling. But YOU. what, through their eyes, do they see in you? what do they see in your eyes?
It's all in the eyes.
Those damn eyes...

J

Untitled

And the tears stream only out the corner of one eye because I lay on my side clenching my midsection. The green and white striped pillow hard beneath my head slowly soaks and even after my hair is done sticking to my face and the pillow is finally dry because my tear ducts are worn out, the salt residue is still there enough to awaken the suppressed reasons the tears were flowing in the first place. And after crying until nearly hacking up my insides and going through an entire box of kleenex (the 'BONUS' box, mind you), I fall asleep. I never figured out whether it was from complete exhaustion of my body or mind. Or maybe, some higher power finally had enough mercy on me to grant my wish of painless, blackened oblivion I call sleep. Only to wake up three hours later to attend a session at school on a Saturday. For ONCE, I didn't mind listening to bad teachers (make an attempt at) teaching a subject I'm very weak in. Allowing my mind to desperately try and grasp the information I need, like sea anemone desperately flailing in the ocean currents trying to get any little particles to stick. Keeping myself from torturing my poor little brain with harsh thoughts. But when I finally find the solace of my room, I proceed to step on the bloody kleenex of the night before. And I know it was blood and I know it was real because 'real blood turns brown when it dries.' And that just breaks my heart because I now have hard evidence that I'm (literally) dying inside...




J.

undirectional navigation

Wouldn't it be interesting if you navigated a plane using clouds as your directional?  Your road map, if you will. Follow them, be with them, swallowed by their presence. Whichever way they seem to point or lead, that's the direction in which you go. When there are no more clouds, it's time to come down from the sky. You'll never know where you'll end up. The place will never be overcast and dreary, that much you do know. But you'll begin to invite the clouds to join you; they've become your friend, you're companion. They give you a sense of familiarity, security. They're so friendly and inviting when you're among them. They seem to welcome you in their billowing, undistinguished arms. You, flying; never knowing how high up you are. Them, surrounding you, taking you completely in. You, no longer even knowing which way is up. The clouds, they're navigating you now. And you, you are finally carefree..


J.

Meaningless Meanings

It's hard to fall asleep when your heart is beating so loudly you know it's going to explode but you can't tell which will happen first, your head or your chest. I'm breathing like I'm one hundred and eighty-seven pounds at five foot two and honestly, I feel like that quite often. It's sad that I would even be sleeping at seven pm. And I didn't dream this time purely out of exhaustion of body and mind. But I arose in a sudden manner from the mere vibration of my mobile device (the wretched thing), out of breath and fairly discombobulated as if I was escaping sheer terror. I haven't decided what's worse yet; having a terrifying nightmare and knowing it, seeing it vividly, experiencing it, remembering it.. Or having one and not being fully aware of it but feeling the terror through your bones anyway. The answer may seem easy. But sometimes, you just have an odd number of long nails and you just have to learn to get used to them and put them to use or go ahead and bite them down like you have done your entire life. The cause of that are those glances and stares you get that make you want to jump out of your skin. In anger. In despair. In desperation to escape. And in trying to flee, you're caught up in the memories. And the ones that make you smile are the ones that make you want to cry and you are sad and mad and glad and your head is spinning and your heart is beating. So much so that you can't fall asleep. It's like playing a song that you can't help but sing to while trying desperately to relay a message of life or death to someone and neither thing is working. YOU JUST CAN'T SLEEP WITH YOUR HEART BEATING SO LOUD. So then I have a scare when it slows to a stop (because you know it does that sometimes) and certain things are the cause sometimes and other times I feel like maybe my many prayers have been answered but I don't know what I really believe. But then the world turns out okay because you find joyful similarities and so what if they're common? Mix them with the others unknowing and enlighten them with your personal delights and your world is grand. But then you over do and don't know WHAT to do. And you're lost but you're found. AND YOUR HEAD IS JUST SPINNING 'ROUND AND 'ROUND.

J.