Pop The Trunk

Life seems to be the clearest.
Staring out the back of this automobile going seventy, maybe eighty.
Headlights glaring into a blurr, piercing the layers of my eyes that can now feel.
Feel the life that makes them smile.
The bass of different songs playing.
When you can't hear the words, it makes it all the easier to write your own lyrics.
Reflections, lights, faces, places, objects, life.
It's visible.
It's bolted down, it's flying around.
It's in a haze, I can see it clearly.
It's perfectly safe, it's completely life threatening.
It's all so fast, it goes in slow mo.
Confined in such a small place, but lord I'm as free as a bird.
Rescue me? I think you'd kill me if you tried.
Thanks but no. I like it this way and I'll never go home.
I could see how people get sick moving like this.
But I enjoy every waking second, just the way it is.
Right here, right now.
What do you want from me?
It all closes when they pop the trunk...

J.

Your Letter pt.2 (which was the original inspiration for pt.1)

Dear you,
    I compose a letter to you every single day.
In my head.
I would love to write it to you,
but it's been difficult for me to find and piece together words that would kill you from the inside out.
Not cut you, nor even stab you.
No, KILL YOU.
I don't know if there are even enough words of the right kind to say to you.
Even if there were, and there might be, I'll resist from actually writing it out.
Well, without a name, why would it matter?
Oh, because you know the evil bitch you really are.
It's completely obvious.
At least it is from the outside.
Maybe it's just me.
Maybe I'm the only one who doesn't fall into your trap.
I feel like you know exactly how you are though.
And my bitchiness is secretive so it would be unlike me to write your letter and have you [and the whole world] know exactly what I'm talking about.
But I will say this.
Every aspect of peoples personalities that I absolutely DESPISE, you posses.
You fit the bill for the most caniving, manipulative, most flat out evil person I have ever met.
But it's hidden very well (which infuriates me even more).
Kind of like me, only people know how I can be.
You just reel them in and are irresistable.
You're a lying, backstabbing hypocrite.
I don't see everything I want to be in you.
I see eveything I HATE in you.
But there's no way I can tell you that.
I have to keep it to myself.
None of this is anywhere NEAR as vulgar as the letter that I write you in my head.
This doesn't even touch the tip of the iceburg.
One day, I vow, you'll get your letter.
And I hope it's able to cut you as deep as a letter opener stabbed into your heart would be able to.

Much love HATE,
J.

Your Letter pt.1

I wrote you a letter a while ago.
It was full of love.
I completely intended to give it to you but
things changed.
I wrote you another letter.
Not so long ago.
It was full of sorrow proclaimed by some anger.
Begging for your empathy.
It put you in my shoes.
You won't [or can't] read my eyes.
So your letter tries to make you see through them.
I don't have the strength to give it to you.
I suppose I'll just leave it be.
Folded up, like my feelings, floating from place to place around my room.
That's where your letter will be.

I composed a letter to you today.
Only in my head.
Actually, I do it quite more often than just today.
I can usually keep a clean slate on my face so you won't be able to read it.
Sometimes, however, you catch a glimpse of it.
I wonder how much of it you've read..
I know you haven't read anywhere near all of it.
It is full of harsh words and vulgar wishes.
If I were to read it aloud to you, we would both end up in a heap of drowning tears on the floor.
Yours , too, would put you in my shoes.
Make you look at you through my eyes.
I wonder, if you can see through my eyes, can you also hear me screaming "BITCH" at the top of my lungs to you inside my head?
Do you then feel the pressure of trying to compress all this?
It's released through your letter in my head.

I thought about writing a letter to you today.
I just sent you a short message telling you I was thinking of you.
Telling you that I shared some of our precious memories with someone else.
Then I went home and cried.
Because you didn't respond.
I want you to hold on to those memories as I do.
I feel like that's not happening.
And because I miss you.
I feel like I need you now more than ever.
I can't tell you that because I don't want to sound like a selfish, spoiled brat.
But in your letter, I tell it all.
In your letter, I'm completely selfish.
I want you.
I guess I'll have to send you your letter soon; so you'll know.

I resisted writing you a letter the other day.
I didn't want to start a fight;
for your letter would have told all.
All about your hypocrisy.
About your stubbornness, your ignorance, your inconsiderateness.
That would have been your letter.
It would have infuriated you.
My fervid words of anger seeping through the letters of my message.
But I retained it.
And since I don't have to deal with you (and your stubborn self wouldn't hear a word of it anyway),
I'll just shrug it off.
I won't waste my time on your letter.

I can't write (either of) you a letter (at all).
For when I write the outline in my head and conjure up the courage to read it to you,
you don't understand it.
You're blind of where I'm coming from.
Our lives being so intertwined makes it all the more difficult.
We end up in tears and more frustration.
We end up only a step ahead of where we began.
Sometimes, we take more steps back than we even attempted at taking forward.
But this is old news, the same ol' rhyme.
The tale as old as time.
Nothing will change with just your letter.
So I'll keep it from you.
But maybe one day,
you'll get your letter and things will be different.

I never thought of writing you a letter.
Not until recently.
So I kind of did.
I miss you in my life.
You're smile, kindness, lightness, everything-is-okay-ness.
I keep getting a picture of a photograph of us holding hands.
Just our hands.
So I guess I don't really know if it's actually yours.
But I feel that it is your hand. And I like that.
Your letter doesn't contain anger.
But it doesn't really contain love.
Maybe underlying love.
I feel like I have that.
It does contain confusion. But not to the point of frustration.
Which is nice. But you're nice. Everything about you is nice.
But it's complicated. On both ends. Facts and feelings.
Maybe I can sort it out in your letter.
I have no idea if you'll ever get it.
But I do want you to have it.
You mean a lot to me.
I'm not sure how I can show that in your letter.
Maybe I'll figure it out.
Maybe your letter will figure us out.

J.

Should Have

I should have kissed you.

I should have held you so tight.

I should have been everything.

I should have never let you go.

I don't know why I couldn't have done all those things.

I don't know why I didn't.

I would have.

I suppose, if I could have.

I want to cry.

I want to die.

I want you.

shoulda coulda woulda doesn't do you any gooda.

I should have.

I could have.

I would have.

Give me the chance?

Or is the chance yours?

Will it be yours?

Do you want it?

Should you?

Could you?

Would you?

Paint me a picture.

Make it beautiful.

Make the brush strokes untamed and unmastered.
Give them perfect imperfection.
I should have listened.
To you.
To him.
To her.
To them.
From the start.
That you'd break my heart.
Because that's the way I feel.
And you don't have to live with these feelings.
But you should have to.
I should torture you inside.
Just the way I cried.
You weakling.
You coward.
That's all you are.
And I should have known.
It's all masked to you.
And I could have burned it.
Off of you or into you, your choice.
It will come for you.
You haven't grown.
You're stuck with yourself.
No one is on your side.
Don't you see?
That mask will only last so long.
I should have.
I could have.
I would have.


J.

please excuse my heart;

please excuse my heart; it's trying to escape my chest, to get to you. i've tried to tell it that it already belongs to you... why doesn't it believe me? maybe because my mind isn't convinced you still want it.
please excuse my heart; it's listening to my tears... why do they have to fall? maybe they're listening to its fears.
please excuse my heart; it begs to just relax but it's paranoid of lies... why can't it just trust me? maybe because my mind seems to fall for what's not true no matter how it tries.
please excuse my heart; it longs for you i fear. its taking the hints... but can you please just make it clear?

please excuse my heart; no matter what i seem to do, i just can't make it stop loving you...
 
 
J.

his & hers

these lips are chapped and the only thing to smooth them

are his lips pressed against them;

these hands are shanking and the only thing to keep them still

are his hands holding them;

these ears are ringing and the only thing to quiet them

is the sound of his voice soothing them;

these eyes are full of sorrow and tears and the only thing to lighten and dry them

are his eyes gazing back at them;

this skin is ice cold and the only thing to warm it

is his skin against it;

this body is weak and the only thing to hold it up

is his strength supporting it;

this head is spinning and ringing and the only thing to keep it in control

is the knowledge of his love...

J.Post Options

natural;

she walks her dog
the rain splashes around her
the dog trots through the puddles
the drops soak through her hair; she looks like she's been in the rain for hours
she catches a glimpse of her reflection in a parked car
the dog almost runs into it
she smiles a bit to herself
will anyone believe her inner beauty?
will anyone fall in love with her; all of her; no questions asked?
could anyone ever caress her face the way the raindrops do?
the little wonders of the way she is; and the way she embraces her world
the dog pulls at the leash and she's relieved from these twisted turns of fate.
her favorite part of the rain is how the drops seem to wrap her in their water;
they're the best disguise for her tears...

&&none of this makes sense;
 
J.

rhyme the old rhyme and maybe save some time;

Your smile's irresistable.

It's unvolutarily contageous

and I almost hate it.

It's a danger to my heart

I seem to begin tearing myself apart.

Hapiness is actually able to live here

but the key is 'mutual' I fear.

Don't you lie to me;

I need you but I'll live, you'll see.

Do something rash

so I can go ahead and smash

all the hopes I had of  'me and you'

so we'll finally just be through.

I can see your eyes

as mine dart to the skies.

You don't see me;

breathe and count to three.

Hold back the water

I know that you sought her.

If you were really a friend

maybe you'd just say 'The End'...

J.

Just Listen To the Dasies, Hanging Upside Down...

It's funny
How she only sees me 
with you.
How you only smile
after her.
How my conscious dreams say you and me
yet the real ones,
they just seem contradictory .
Yet I end up the bad guy
In this game where no one wins. 
Or maybe It's just me,
the one who never wins.
But why then do I get guilt?
Why is it heaped upon me like there's no end?
For feeling feelings that are there
(not even the daisies can deny).
Running
As fast as your body will let you.
In a familiar, yet completely out of the ordinary place.
A desperate attempt for the illusion 
of  finally reaching a better place.
Keep running,
maybe you'll make it there.
But right as you might believe
you begin to see
that even the daisies hang upside down
and even attempting the illusion becomes an illusion itself.
Deception
In the distance.
Thinking you were so close
looking that way
And then you turn around and see that 
really you were so far.
Then noticing it's all a trick of the mind.
Everything.
But wait, the daisy just proved it all.
It's all exactly what you feared it to be. 
Not dramatic, not exaggerated, not a trick of the mind, not one bit.
Just your dreams coming true 
and then
your nightmares jumping in to take over...


J.

When You Wish Upon A Star...

Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have this wish I wish tonight...
Help me to see,
I wish I could see it all in hindsight.
Starlight, star bright...
I need to win,
I wish to win just one fight.
First star I see tonight...
Everything has gone so wrong,
I wish just this once, things would go right .
I wish I may, I wish I might...
Scared to death of breaking,
I wish to end this awful fright.
Have this wish I wish tonight...
I need a breath, a turn of direction,
I wish everything would be alright.
Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have this wish I wish tonight...
Please, just make me stop wishing this wish every night...


J.

Don't you know?

Don't you know how much I love you?

I'm giving you everything, every part of me.

Don't you feel it whenever I touch you?

I'm head over heels, fighting to not fall into the dark.

Don't you know how much I love you?

I can't seem to make it any more obvious.

Don't you feel it whenever I look at you?

I'm fighting this war and baby, I feel like I'm losing.
Don't you know how much I love you?

I want you never to regret it or doubt it.

Don't you feel it whenever I smile at you?

I'm praying we make it, praying you don't break my heart.

Don't you know how much I love you?

Please, just this once, try to see just how much you mean to me.

Because baby, you just don't know how much I love you...

J.

'Water' Because Who Wants To Read One More Thing Titled "Love"

Have you ever thought about how similar love and water are? Probably not. So allow me to spill my thoughts out for you.
Love is kind. Love is mean. Love is pure. Love is indescribable. Love is beautiful. Love is [in]destructable. Love causes war. Love is a weapon. Love is many, many things. Do you agree?
Now water.
Water is kind. Water is mean. Water is Pure. Water is indescribable. Water is beautiful. Water is [in]destructable. Water causes war. Water is a weapon. Water is many, many things. Do you agree?
Without reading that, would you be able to describe water in more than three simple words? I know you'd be able to describe love in many more words than three. But then it would be just the opposite of water. Wouldn't it? But do you really understand love until you experience it? And once you experience it, isn't it just about as indescribable as water? I think so. And how many pictures do see taken of lovers? How many of water? probably close to the same amount. The wonder of water intrigues us just about as much as the wonder of love.
Now let me ask you again, have you ever thought about how similar love and water are? Probably. Don't you think it's ironic how something we take so lightly and think of as so simple can be so similar as something everyone is searching for and takes so seriously? Yet... imagine life without these two things. Without water, you would be physically unable to survive. Without love, you simply wouldn't want to be alive...



J.

The Rain and Me

Close your eyes.

Let the world spin fast around you.

Let the water splash upon you.

Let it caress your face like it ought to.

Set aside the pain.
All the despair that life throws you.

Everything is well in my world because I have you.

Dwell in the wonder and magic between us.

It's all I now can do.

Stand in the rain.

Let it not cover your tears.

But rather, let it set the stage for you.

Let it embrace you.

Don't let it beat you blue.

Be the one you choose.

Drunk, beaten and bruised.

But with you, I am blessed.

Even with the rain.

So let me be.

With you.

Let the rain beat between us.

Around us and surround us.

My world is a rush.

But you're rushing right beside me.

So everything in my world is okay.

And honestly, it's not.

But we'll let it be.
Because with you and me, everything is grand.
The rain soaks me.

Revealing the real me.
The lame girl I hope you still want.

But remember not to flaunt.

Because the rain knows all flaws.

But don't worry, because it embraces everyone.

Everyone who embraces it.

Don't run from the rain.

Don't run from me.

Don't run from the pain.

One day, you'll see...

J.

All This Longing Leads to Lonliness;

wrap your arms around me;
so i'll be safe and warm.
let your love surround me;
so i'll never feel so torn.
whisper in my ear sweet nothings no one hears.
look me in the eyes;
so we'll end up in the skies.
be within my reach;
so my heart won't ever breach.
let me call you my own;
for in my heart is your home..


J.

"Life Vest Under Seat"

"Please keep your seat belt fastened while seated." "Your cushions may be used as a flotation device." Blah, blah, blah. Same ol', same ol'. Oxygen masks. In case of... sudden pressure change in the cabin?
Can I use it now? People. So many. Different faces, from different places, with different manners. Scratch that. Different ways of demonstrating THEY HAVE NONE. So, no mask. Okay, window. Let me have the window. I need to escape this place. Pressure? No, we're not even moving yet... It's my head. All in my head. Here we go. Down the strip (that frankly, seems too small). Faster. Picking up more speed than most would be comfortable with. This situation is a reasonable exception however. Eyes closed. It's more fun just to FEEL the flying. Open. Watch this plane belittle the world. I wish i could tumble out the window and fly away from these machines. Be in the atmosophere, among things that are meant to be there. But higher. Where the birds can't quite reach me. And higher. Where even the machines don't dare attempt to go. Upward through seemingly never ending condensed water and air. Beautifiul clouds. Mysterious and contradicting air. Clouds, clouds, clouds. Never wanting to come out of them. Sky diving sounds fun. Down. Fast. Faster than anything in this natural world. Past the machines. Towards a mystical blue. So divine. Unmistakable. Flashback, the sign. "Life vest under seat."


J.

Until Tomorrow

It's kind of nice how I quite often catch my feet not touching the ground.

One day, feeling the emptiness beneath my feet, I heard the question:

Where has all the love gone and what have we become?

Storm clouds full of thunder move silent as they drum and when they're gone,

we'll be fine until tomorrow, I hope it won't rain.

Because until tomorrow, I won't have the pain.

When my feet are inches off the ground.

It's as if I'm floating above it all.
The leaves will blow.

They will blow and roll and flow.

They will flow.

In the night-time breeze.

The peaceful, crisp, beautiful air no one seems to notice while stumbling through it.

They won't notice the little bench where a torn soul sits.
A soul whose feet aren't touching the ground.

Not until tomorrow.

So where has all the love gone and what have we become?

It seems to all be stuck between the bottom of my feet and this defiled ground.

Maybe we all need to notice our feet not touching the ground half as often as I do.

Can you feel it?

It's as if I'm attempting to push together the same poles of a magnet.

They resist.

Can you feel it?

I can.

Gently swinging these limbs, completely out of rhythm, feeling the friction.

The force of something that only the leaves and clouds can see.

Where has all the love gone and what have we become?

Faces full of sorrow look across places full of wonder, and once they stop thinking

we'll be fine until tomorrow.
Because until they stop thinking, they'll still think of the sorrow.

But in those places of wonder, as long as my feet aren't touching the ground,

I'll be okay until tomorrow.

J.

oh love;

oh love, how you confuse me
you can hurt me so
yet make me feel greater than anything could come close to making me feel
oh love, how you induce me
with your strength
yet your weakness.. it kills
oh love, how you forget me
you're terribly wonderful when i have you in my arms
yet when you leave me cold you dont seem to care about how great you once were
oh love, how easy you are to me
so easy to get, so easy to lose
yet no one sees how easy you can be to retain..
oh love, how defiant you are to me
you shatter all the rules, all the barriers
yet there are so many under which you may fall
oh love, how you capture me
in all your wonders
yet when you're broken i feel locked out, away from you

oh love, oh pain, oh joy, oh sorrow, oh so many different things you may be..

J.

Lugubrious

you know that place?
yeah, that one.
the one that just popped into your head when you read that question aloud.
oh you didn't read it aloud?
well did you not hear yourself reading it in your head?
yeah, that's what I thought.
aloud.
I read it aloud when I wrote it.
but not loud enough for someone to hear.
maybe if I were in that place.
maybe someone would hear.
maybe I would hear.
I have thoughts drowning out thoughts that are already collapsing thoughts.
would you like to know one?
I'd like you to know one.
but you don't know.
even when I'm SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS.
you can't hear me.
so, I never opened my mouth, so what?
yeah, you're right, I don't want you hearing me all the time.
but I don't know how much louder I can scream.
I wonder if you can hear me when I tell you this is the place.
you know, that place.
can you hear me now?
I'm laying in my recliner.
this is where I'm sleeping tonight.
but everytime I close my eyes, I can feel your body.
your body somewhat awkwardly, yet very comfortably with mine.
touching mine.
holding mine.
I can feel your breathing.
I'm in rhythm with your body, in taking the gas we need for life processing it, using it and disposing of all you don't need.
I can feel your fingers.
intertwined with mine.
your hands.
so unique.
complex.
familiar.
creating that heat.
the heat that's actually comforting.
the heat that makes me smile to myself.
I can feel all of your body.
transferring it's heat to mine.
so cold and fragile.
I can see your smile.
that alone takes me to that place.
you know, that place.
yeah, that one.
I see all that.
but not really.
complete and total illusion.
but a memory nonetheless.
a memory that plays over and over and over again in my head.
one that I can't manage to get out of my head for the life of me.
one that is simply strengthened every single time my body is sunken into the soft, comforting leather of this recliner.
that damn place.
my damn recliner.
my damn head.
your damn words.
can you hear me now?


J.

Largest Door; Smallest Room

Ordinary faces not profound.

In ordinary places all around.

Gaze to your left.

Now to your right.

Ordinary face?

Yes, veritably.

Not another glance, not a second thought.

Simply more ordinary face to surround the ordinary places we are bound.

An open door, an ordinary door.

Hath an ordinary face pressed against its small piece of glass.

So many; many, many faces and places to see.

All so very ordinary, how can that be?

Maybe one day you'll reach an extraordinary place and all of the ordinary places make it oh so more extraordinary.

Maybe you'll open an extraordinary door and find all the extraordinary faces behind a huge beautiful glass.

And when will you realize;

that the extraordinary places were the places you've been the whole time

that the extraordinary faces are the ones you've been seeing all along?

J.

messy

tear my heart out,
leave me suffereing.
why can't you just walk away from me?
you spend your time confused
and confusing me.
drawing me near
only to stab me in the heart over and over?
ha!
you humor me.
you hurt me, you cure me, you make me smile, you make me cry.
but in the end, no matter how bad it is, all I can do is laugh.
laugh at the irony.
laugh how pathetic it all is.
at the anger, at the joy, at the pain.
so I guess I owe you a thankyou.
thankyou.
okay there.
what for?
because I like to laugh.
oh you think I'm happy?
haha
there you go again.
so maybe I do want you in my life.
I mean laughing at something that's funny gets boring right?
so I need you here to make me laugh out of pain.
well isn't this all just a big ball of confusion.
there you have it people.
me, being pummeled by this.
this
this
what is this?
my hands just stopped typing, the words just stopped flowing.
I guess I have to leave it for you to figure out.
maybe I'll figure it out.
or maybe, maybe that's part of the humor.
HA
HA
HA


J.

Here's To You

"Analyze yourself. Your understanding of yourself and the world will continue to expand-"
She'll learn.
She'll learn from every single thing that is placed, dropped, thrown, kicked or shoved into her path.
She'll learn more about who she is and who she's longing to become.
She'll inspect every object, plow through the dilemma it creates and pursue her way forward.
She'll become the strongest woman you'll lose the privilege to behold in your life.
She may not be the most athletic girl, with the muscle to punch you and make you shed pathetic tears but she has the brains, heart, and will to kill you slowly from the inside out.
She may still love you, and be unwilling and defiant to hurt you but it's what you deserve.
You didn't realize what you possessed when you had her.
No one realizes what they have when they have her.
She's the one that got away. But it's too late, there's no turning back now. The damage is done. You deserve to wallow in misery knowing you turned your path away from the most amazing path you may never again have the chance to set foot on.
You'll have to have to watch from the other side of a barbed wire fence while she moves along her beautiful path.
She'll understand herself.
Her world will expand.
She WILL love again...

J.

a love?

a love so beautiful.
born within a heart so tender.
seeded in the land of make believe.
the land where sometimes things just go that way.
the right way.
the good way.
not this way.
the wrong way.
the broken, beaten, belittled, beguiled way.
that way leads to me.
a love so beautiful.
born within a heart so torn.
seeded in the land of tragedy, lies, complications, control, denial, pain...
that land.
the land that is holding me captive.
the same land I've been in my whole life.
the land I've learned to deal with.
the land I deserve to desert...
maybe with a love?
maybe with a love so beautiful.
a love so beautiful, it lights all the darkness.
a love so beautiful, it heals all the pain.
a love so beautiful, it takes you the right way.
a love so beautiful, I am incompetent in describing it.
a love so beautiful...
that it simply cannot exist.


J.

questions of trust;

do you trust? do you trust in me? do you trust in life? in friends? in love? do you trust only in what is there? or even the unseen? would you trust to walk over a rocky bridge? what if there was a net to catch you? Would you trust that one to spend the night holding you? what if you weren’t sure they would be by your side when your eyes fluttered open to the morning sun? would yo trust your instincts if something went so very wrong? What if you knew you couldn’t go wrong? what if either way something had to be sacrificed? Would you trust someone enough to pass the buck? or would you trust the situation enough to simply pass it to anyone; even one whom you have no trust in at all? Do you trust those little trust games? who would you deceive you in front of witnesses? wouldn’t they catch you now and let you fall later when it hurts so bad the ground would actually feel like a pillow? do you trust the actual potential trustworthy who are the ones that let you fall for their own amusement? do you trust promises made to you? what if they pinky promised? do you trust a person who’s broken a promise? do you trust one with a broken promise? or do you simply live on a sliver of trust for that promise based on false hope? do you trust your own heart? what about in the hands of someone elses trust? what about in the hands of the trust you have for trust? would you trust trust to hold your heart safely? or will trust just drag your heart along on the ground behind it? will trust shatter and break your heart? do you trust your heart to be strong? strong enough to hold itself together? strong enough to pull itself back together when its broken into pieces and scattered? do you trust your mind? do you trust it to protect your heart? but at the same time allow your heart to live? do you trust your mind to help your heart open up to people? what if your mind knows your heart could potentially get hurt? isn’t that just another risk you have to trust yourself to take? do you trust yourself to take that risk? do you trust love? that it even exists? who do you trust as capable of loving? do you trust yourself to love another? to be loved? even though with any love comes some pain? do you trust the love to overcome the pain? or would you simply rather not try? do you trust seeing into those eyes of love? would you trust it even if you couldn’t see it? do you trust if its real? do you trust any of this is real?
do you trust?


J.